Obama Win Causes Obsessed Backers To See How Empty Lives Are The revelation that Obama's candidacy was the only thing that gave their lives any meaning has caused many supporters to wander aimlessly, unsure of what to do with themselves.
	The Onion: Pretend You Give A Shit About The Election Our morning show's political correspondent offers tips on how you can seem informed about politics without picking up a single newspaper.
	The Onion: Multiple Stab Wounds May Be Harmful To Monkeys Repeatedly stabbing monkeys with sharpened objects may have an adverse effect on their health, according to a new study. More coverage at: http://onion.com
	The Onion: Disney Geneticists Debut New Child Stars Disney claims its latest batch of child stars is so lifelike, youll barely be able to tell they have no souls.
	The Onion: Blockbuster Offers Glimpse Of Movie Renting Past The Blockbuster Video Living Museum offers tourists a glimpse of how Americans rented movies before the advent of services like Netflix and iTunes. More coverage at: http://onion.com
	The Onion: Gunman Kills 15 Potential Swing Voters The Obama campaign is cautiously optimistic after initial reports indicated that most of the people killed were registered Republicans.
	The Onion: Meteorologists Predict Worst Autumn Ever Experts advise that anyone venturing outdoors should be on the lookout for extremely crunchy leaves and winds as high as 12 mph.
	Should The Government Stop Dumping Money Into A Giant Hole? With the economy sliding deeper into a recession, panelists discuss whether it's time to stop throwing our money into a massive pit out in the desert.
	The Onion: Obama Runs Constructive Criticism Ad On McCain In response to Republican attacks, Barack Obama unleashed a series of slightly negative ads that gently point out how McCain could be doing a better job.
	The Onion: Supreme Court: Death Penalty Is 'Totally Badass' Despite arguments against capital punishment, the Justices overwhelmingly approved its use, especially if they get to participate in some executions.
	The Onion: Are We Giving Robots Too Much Power? Panelists discuss whether controversial decisions by the Robot Congress and President Executron indicate robots have too much control over our lives. More coverage at: http://onion.com
	The Onion: Cindy McCain Just Like Any Other Female Human' Despite the media's portrayal of her, Cindy McCain says she is a down-to-earth person who enjoys breathing oxygen and consuming earth food for energy.
	The Onion: Diebold Accidentally Leaks Results Of 08 Election Embarrassed Diebold officials apologized after one of their electronic voting machines prematurely revealed the winner of our upcoming sham election. More coverage at: http://onion.com
	The onion Movie Satirical interpretations of world events and curious human behavior.
	The Onion: '9/11 Conspiracy Theories Ridiculous' - Al Qaeda An Al Qaeda representative says that claims the U.S. government was behind the attacks on Sept. 11th are demeaning to Al Qaeda. More coverage at: http://onion.com
	The Onion: Sources Warn Miley Cyrus Will Be Depleted by 2013 Unless Americans turn to alternative sources of entertainment, the 'Hannah Montana' star will soon be completely tapped out.
	The Onion: All Online Data Lost After Internet Crash Breaking News, officials confirm that all online data has been lost after the Internet crashed and was forced to restart. More coverage at: http://www.onion.com
	The Onion: 12-Year-Old Boy Scouts Offer To Give Breast Exams Two prospective Eagle Scouts explain how they are preventing breast cancer by helping women examine their breasts.
	The Onion: McCain Left On Campaign Bus Overnight Campaign officials downplayed the incident, saying the senator was fine as soon as he was fed and taken to the bathroom.
	The Onion: The Beijing Olympics - Are They A Trap? 'In The Know' panelists discuss whether our athletes will be able to escape the bamboo cages the Chinese government will try to imprison them in.

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